I Hate Christmas

And not for the reasons you'd expect. The corporate undertones and shitty Kennewick slush have never bothered me. I hate Christmas because I have an obligation to come to my parents' house.
And every time I do that, I am reminded why I don't consider it home.

I hate that it feels like my dad doesn't want to be around me unless he's high. I hate that my mother tells me about what everyone on her side of the family is doing and that she is so proud of them, but during the family get togethers none of them seem to know what I am up to. I hate that my sister, father, and myself will always play second fiddle to the family my mom was born into.  I hate that my scumbag uncles talk down to me since I stopped hiding that I am an atheist.  I hate that my childhood memories of Christmas are shouting matches, and my dad's annual announcement that he is "About ready to say fuck it and return all of this shit."

Christmas is my holiday of resentment.  I find myself wishing every year not for any present in particular, but just for my parents to get along for a bit.

So far?  No luck.

Snippets.

Season is over until January.
Applied to work up in Seattle over the Winter break.
Other teammates are remarking on how I'm visibly bigger since the start of the season.
Ordered this:

#swag

Losing Sucks

We played the Valley Kangaroos this weekend, and while it wasn't a blowout, we ended up losing.

I had forgotten how much losing in a team setting sucks.  Something about knowing you gave the best you could and still came up short is really a tough pill to swallow.

At the end of the game, howver, I was taken aside and told that I had played great.  I responded with "I played like shit" and was quickly cut off and told again that I had played well.  It meant a lot, thanks for that.

Not a starter, I just train a lot.

We finally have a confirmed game this weekend, which feels quite amazing.  After heartbreak the last two weekends in the form of cancelled matches, I am very excited to get on the pitch.

Bummer is that I'm not yet starting.  I've had a good couple weeks of practice and felt like I was on top of my game as I've ever been Tuesday, absolutely shutting down the 8-man pick and chasing down a few of our kickoffs.  That said, I know I'm still raw, and we have better people to start.

It's just a frustrating feeling when your best isn't good enough.

It's becoming a familiar feeling of late.

Just Living

Practice 3 days a week, lifting at least 2 days a week.

My life has become immersed in rugby, and I absolutely love it.  The only issue is what to do with my weekends.  Soon games will start and I will have 6 days a week occupied with rugby, but until then, weekends are a weird spot.  I can't really afford to do much, but I feel very much like a prisoner if I just stay in Ellensburg.  I hope this situation sorts itself out soon.

Completely unrelated, it is strange to be stared at.  When the boys on the squad and I go to get lunch after practice, people just blatantly stare.  Perhaps it is because we're a bunch of decent sized dudes in short shorts.  Perhaps it s because CWU rugby is a highly competitive team.  But I'm a low key person.  I don't like being stared at.  The other night I finished up practice and went to get a meal on my own, and someone blatantly says "Holy shit, look at that dude's thighs."  I think I about passed out from blushing so much.  I just want to be under the radar.  I want to be known as an absolute barbarian on the field and I want to not be noticed otherwise.

Way too much to ask for.

First Scrimmage and a Pilgrimage to Mecca

We had our first scrimmage this past weekend against the U of Idaho men's team, and we beat the brakes off of them.  Final score was 60something to 30something in our favor.  I went on in the 65th minute as our replacement blindside flanker, and was greeted with the Vandals working the blindside over and over and over, which meant tackle after tackle after tackle.  Absolutely loved it, pretty bummed that our next game isn't until January.
I'll be 24 for the start of actual 15s season, which means I will be 25% older than our other 18 year old incoming freshman.  Odd shit.
Aside from a couple bruised eye and a sore wrist, I escaped unscathed, and I guarantee the UofI boys are more sore than our squad, even though we had substantially fewer replacements.

In other news, I attended the study abroad fair today and after learning that the GI Bill will cover my costs of studying abroad, I am quite fixated on attending a New Zealand university for a semester.  It would be an incredible opportunity to learn the game of rugby in the place where it is best played, and also an opportunity to experience a very different culture.  University of Otago is currently my top pick, though I will need to talk with my counselor and the affiliate programs about studying abroad before anything is final.

Wish me luck.  I'm in a good spot.

Smoked Out

Fires suck.

Today marks our 17th cancelled practice due to dangerous air quality.  The table mountain fire is ruining my day.

All we can really do is team lifting, and not to be an ass, but the physical aspect of rugby isn't where I need the help.

We play UofI this weekend.  Here's hoping I start.