I haven't been looking forward to this letter. I've been putting it off, gathering my thoughts, reducing them down, stirring, reducing again... and I've mostly come to one root concept to describe you two.
It isn't that you're bad people. You just don't know how to be good people.
Mom, you will always be kept at a distance. I know you notice and I know you wonder why, but it is not hard to figure out. Any time I've ever let you get close, you've hurt me. I think it is some demented ploy to hold power or dominion over me, but whatever.
Dad, you kind of fall into the same camp. You wanted to be an overlord when I didn't need that, and now that I'm back home, floundering, and just want me father to be there, you're too busy getting high.
You're both children, and I consider the fact that I'm shucked off the habits you imparted upon me to be one of my finer accomplishments.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
30DLP Letter 2 - Your crush
This is an interesting one.
You came into my life at a time where I needed someone to take interest. I had been home for 2 weeks, horrified that I no longer had a friend circle.
We had hung out in groups for almost the last year, since Claire's graduation. I noticed you, we were friendly, and I made a point for us to all be in groups every time I came home. You asked me for fitness advice, asked about jiujitsu. I thought you were just being friendly. I figured you were (are) so far out of my league that I felt just lucky to be a friend. And when it turned out that you were interested in me as more than a friend, it flipped a switch.
And I we've spent the majority of our days together since then.
The Monday after we got together you were introducing me to your mom, your stepdad, your mom's clients... and it was like I was in some sort of twilight zone. You know me well enough to now see that I'm a big ball of social awkwardness and anxiety, but I do all I could to conduct myself in a manner that wouldn't have me banned from you.
And it seems to have worked. We're still together. And in the last week you have shifted from treating me as if you're happy with me to treating me like you're genuinely excited to be with me.
And it feels amazing. You treat me so much better than I've ever felt I deserved. Your family treats me better than mine does.
I'm excited for you, and I am excited for us.
You came into my life at a time where I needed someone to take interest. I had been home for 2 weeks, horrified that I no longer had a friend circle.
We had hung out in groups for almost the last year, since Claire's graduation. I noticed you, we were friendly, and I made a point for us to all be in groups every time I came home. You asked me for fitness advice, asked about jiujitsu. I thought you were just being friendly. I figured you were (are) so far out of my league that I felt just lucky to be a friend. And when it turned out that you were interested in me as more than a friend, it flipped a switch.
And I we've spent the majority of our days together since then.
The Monday after we got together you were introducing me to your mom, your stepdad, your mom's clients... and it was like I was in some sort of twilight zone. You know me well enough to now see that I'm a big ball of social awkwardness and anxiety, but I do all I could to conduct myself in a manner that wouldn't have me banned from you.
And it seems to have worked. We're still together. And in the last week you have shifted from treating me as if you're happy with me to treating me like you're genuinely excited to be with me.
And it feels amazing. You treat me so much better than I've ever felt I deserved. Your family treats me better than mine does.
I'm excited for you, and I am excited for us.
Monday, May 21, 2012
30DLP: 1st Letter - Best Friend
A week later, and more than a few a dollars short, I'm finally kicking this off.
Hey man, how've you been? It's been almost a decade now that we've known each other. So strange to think about. We've both grown up, and at times apart, but the fact remains that you're still the closest thing I've had to a brother, and I do what I can to treat you like family. There have been times where you give me a home, since I don't have one. You and your mom have fed me when I was hungry. I didn't need to tell you it was because I wasn't welcome at my birth home. You knew.
And you always have. You've read me so well throughout the years. It's freeing, in a way. I've never had to lie to you. Some of why is because well, I knew that you'd be there regardless of what is happening. Some of why is the fact that you'd know the truth whether or not it is what I'm saying.
I don't know if I ever told you how much it meant to me when you wrote me in boot camp. Outside of Natalie and my mom, you were the first person to do so.
I bawled like a baby. I felt like I was letting my friend down by not being there to share your good times in college. But you told me you were proud of me, and that Christmas, you treated me like it.
Then when I got to Oak Harbor, you (as well as Sher and Zab) made it a vacation. Especially when I was on the night shift, spending all my off days in your apartment.
I'm sorry we haven't stayed closer. Part of growing of, I suppose. You getting married, me moving back home and doing what I can to become an adult with a real life. But you've always made your home open to me, and I cannot wait to return that favor. You've supported me in every dream. And I cannot wait to prove you right when you believe in me.
I'm proud of you.
I hope you still are of me.
Hey man, how've you been? It's been almost a decade now that we've known each other. So strange to think about. We've both grown up, and at times apart, but the fact remains that you're still the closest thing I've had to a brother, and I do what I can to treat you like family. There have been times where you give me a home, since I don't have one. You and your mom have fed me when I was hungry. I didn't need to tell you it was because I wasn't welcome at my birth home. You knew.
And you always have. You've read me so well throughout the years. It's freeing, in a way. I've never had to lie to you. Some of why is because well, I knew that you'd be there regardless of what is happening. Some of why is the fact that you'd know the truth whether or not it is what I'm saying.
I don't know if I ever told you how much it meant to me when you wrote me in boot camp. Outside of Natalie and my mom, you were the first person to do so.
I bawled like a baby. I felt like I was letting my friend down by not being there to share your good times in college. But you told me you were proud of me, and that Christmas, you treated me like it.
Then when I got to Oak Harbor, you (as well as Sher and Zab) made it a vacation. Especially when I was on the night shift, spending all my off days in your apartment.
I'm sorry we haven't stayed closer. Part of growing of, I suppose. You getting married, me moving back home and doing what I can to become an adult with a real life. But you've always made your home open to me, and I cannot wait to return that favor. You've supported me in every dream. And I cannot wait to prove you right when you believe in me.
I'm proud of you.
I hope you still are of me.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
30 Day Letter Project
So here's a bit of a stolen idea from my old friend Rikki King, but I think it will be good for me to write some of these letters.
Aiming to start tomorrow.
Aiming to start tomorrow.
THE LETTERS
Your best friend
Your crush
Your parents
Your sibling (or closest relative)
Your dreams
A stranger
Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Your favorite internet friend
Someone you wish you could meet
Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
A deceased person you wish you could talk to
The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Someone you wish could forgive you you could forgive
Someone you’ve drifted away from
The person you miss the most
Someone who’s not in your state/country
Someone from your childhood
The person you wish you could be
Someone who pesters your mind – good or bad
The one who broke your heart the hardest
Someone you judged by their first impression
Someone you want to give a second chance
The last person you kissed
The person who gave you your favorite memory
The person you know who is going through the worst of times
The last person you made a pinky promise to
The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Someone who changed your life
The person who you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Your reflection in the mirror
Friday, April 20, 2012
Back on the mats.
Checked out two gyms this week.
The first is ran by my old (pre-enlistment) striking coach.
A nice group of guys, and the gym was very MMA focused. But there is no gi class, and I feel like the gi is where my future in this sport lies.
Second gym is very new, but they instructors are kind, better than I am, and are looking to build a competition team. Class 6 days a week is nothing to shake a stick at, either.
A lot of my upcoming life choices are based on employment opportunity, but should I stay in Kennewick for any real length of time, I'll start training at Choice Martial Arts.
The first is ran by my old (pre-enlistment) striking coach.
A nice group of guys, and the gym was very MMA focused. But there is no gi class, and I feel like the gi is where my future in this sport lies.
Second gym is very new, but they instructors are kind, better than I am, and are looking to build a competition team. Class 6 days a week is nothing to shake a stick at, either.
A lot of my upcoming life choices are based on employment opportunity, but should I stay in Kennewick for any real length of time, I'll start training at Choice Martial Arts.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Competition Results.
Made weight, won 3 of my 4 gi matches (all by choke), took 3rd in the bracket.
No gi was rough, lost my first match, went home.
all in all, a good weekend.
No gi was rough, lost my first match, went home.
all in all, a good weekend.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Pre-comp Week
It is getting to that week. The week before competition is always the roughest for me. If I can just bust my ass and work harder than the guy next to me, I will typically do well in any competiton. De-load week isn't like that. This week I have to spend a few days sitting on my ass, monitoring my weight, and inevitably fretting over competition day in my head.
I made a flow chart of my bottom-side half-guard game earlier this evening. Filled the page. And still wasn't complete. Aaaand my bottom-half game kinda blows.
I'm going to spend the next couple days working bottom side-mount escapes and guard sweeps. Then I will be good.
I've been at this too godamned long and worked too hard to have no gold on my wall. This is MY competition, dammit.
Fuck bronze.
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